So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
Randomize
