Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Let's paint friendship bongs
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
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