my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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