did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Randomize
