Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
