Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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