is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
