we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
Is it because I queefed?
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Randomize
