She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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