I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
