He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
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he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
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He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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