Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
