How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
