grandma shit on top of the toilet
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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