sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
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My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
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I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage