Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
