I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
my phone needs a breathalizer
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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