My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
