New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
it's like heaven, but drunker
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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