haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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