this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
