I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
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His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
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I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
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