y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
