don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
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