Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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