I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Can I color on your dick again?
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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