she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
this hospital has no fireball
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
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