Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
