why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Randomize
