My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Randomize
