i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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