I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Randomize
