I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
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