I never want to see another naked old woman again.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Randomize
