your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
