Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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