i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I want to fling myself into the sun
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
