I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
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