Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Randomize
