Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
