o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Randomize
