Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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