His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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