I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
