somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
I am full of burrito and curiosity
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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