Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
