If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
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