WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
Randomize
