Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
Sacagawea was the original milf.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
