I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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