I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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