We named our party play list daddy issues
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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