my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
My balls are so social today.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
