I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
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