I just made out with a guy for $7.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
this hospital has no fireball
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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