Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
