Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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