I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace