she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave