My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
He? As in you personified your dick?
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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