3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Randomize
