I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible