seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Randomize
