He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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